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an april fool's .. process manual

the journal of Michael Werneburg

twenty-seven years and one million words

This year we issued a bogus process manual at work on "Accessing the stairs" for April Fools Day. Some favorite clips:

"Access to stairs is limited to the hours of 10AM to 3PM."

"During access, especially in a downward direction, all personnel shall:

• Access stairs only with a partner.
• Maintain manual contact with the safety railing at all times.
• Refrain from talking when walking down the stairs, in order to maintain privacy and the secrecy of your whereabouts. Walking silently is also required."

Under "loss scenarios", I had:

"04.01-t2 – Personnel injure themselves while using the stairs inappropriately. The Company is exposed to costly and disruptive legal nonsense."

and

"04.01-t6 – Personnel using the stairs in an unsafe manner and without assistance injure themselves but their cries go unheard. Frequent deaths within the firm causes prolonged sense of ennui and malaise."

And there was a permission request form to access the stairs. Of course.